


it gets better

by stringinstruments



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, One Shot, Post II, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Dan Howell, Supportive Phil Lester, and OCD stuff, mostly just sad dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 05:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18243065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stringinstruments/pseuds/stringinstruments
Summary: Phil will happily take any amount of PDA from Dan. Granted, it’s not usually a lot when they’re out and about, but sometimes there’s a sneaky peck on the lips when there’s absolutely no one about, or the casual hand hold if they’re in a more remote place. More intimate things are reserved for the privacy of their own home. But when they’re stuck on a stupidly crowded tube carriage, standing in at least three different stranger’s personal bubbles at the same time, Phil’s holding onto the closest pole for his life, with Dan desperately clutching onto his arm like a newborn koala.It gives him a warm fuzzy feeling. But it fades when he remembers how much Dan must be struggling in that moment.Dan has obsessive compulsive disorder.





	it gets better

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is actually my first ever "fanfiction" I've ever written, so I thought I'd write a little one-shot! Go easy on me!!  
> As someone who suffers from OCD I definitely do not see enough phan-fics out there where one of them has OCD, so I wanted to add some to the fanfic world.  
> Thanks for reading and enjoy! :)  
> 

Phil will happily take any amount of PDA from Dan. Granted, it’s not usually a lot when they’re out and about, but sometimes there’s a sneaky peck on the lips when there’s absolutely no one about, or the casual hand hold if they’re in a more remote place. More intimate things are reserved for the privacy of their own home. But when they’re stuck on a stupidly crowded tube carriage, standing in at least three different stranger’s personal bubbles at the same time, Phil’s holding onto the closest pole for his life, with Dan desperately clutching onto his arm like a newborn koala.

It gives him a warm fuzzy feeling. But it fades when he remembers how much Dan must be struggling in that moment.

Dan has obsessive compulsive disorder.

Not the kind where he has to clean and sort every second of the day (Phil will gladly fight anyone who suggests that on behalf of Dan).

Phil has lost count how many times him and his boyfriend have nearly fallen over on the tube, because Dan’s lost balance and nearly taken Phil down with him. Dan refuses to attach himself to any part of the carriage, except for his feet and the ground, or the rare occasion when it’s empty enough to sit on a seat. But never mind the black skinny jeans he’s wearing cause they will be soiled from touching the properly moist seat fabric. And if he does touch, he’s got his little bottles of hand sanitiser that burns his skin from how much he uses the stuff.

But the burn is good. Because all the germs and dirt and gross stuff are dead (or are they? Using the hand sanitiser twice is usually the best way to go, to get that final pesky 1% that was missed in the first round).

If they survive the tube, holding Phil’s hands are a no-go. Unless Dan witnesses him sanitising his hands at least 3 times, he can’t touch his boyfriend’s hands. But Phil still loves him anyway. He could never give Dan up over something so small.

It started when Dan wound up in hospital over an infection. Who knew how many people the couple met, the fans who would pop up on the streets, eager to hug the two. Dan loved hugging all the people he met because it made his fans happy, so he was happy. But when he found himself stuck eating terrible hospital food, a terrible thought struck his mind. _What if a fan has a terrible disease and one day passes it onto him?_

Though he was always aware how much he joked about the inevitability of death, and all that, the thought still struck him with an odd feeling. When he dies, he died, he always guessed it would be as simple as that. But he still had so much he wanted in life. He still hadn’t gotten a dog with Phil yet, or moved into an actual house where they could live for the rest of their lives, or one day get married to Phil? He didn’t want to dive into the depths of thinking what Phil would do with him gone, it was torturous to think about his man with someone else who wasn't him. Or even worse the thought of Phil not being able to bear the pain of Dan not being there.

He couldn’t stomach the hospital food anymore, but at least Phil bought him some McDonalds.

-

Now he sits awake in bed next to a lightly snoring Phil, retracing his steps for the day up until bed to quadruple check if he really did wash his hands after going to the bathroom. He knows he did, _but did he really_? He tries to remember it, knowing he can, but he really can’t convince his brain that well. He gets up and washes his hands again, three times because he just can’t dry them properly, before heading back to their shared room. This time Phil is staring at his the spot next to him as he gets back under the duvet.

“Again, love?” Phil murmurs as Dan nods softly.

There’s a short pause and Dan’s thinking about how well he washed his hands, but Phil snaps him out of it as he continues to speak.

“You’ve survived so much Dan. Two world tours, so many trips on the tube, countless fan meets.” Phil opens his arms for Dan, who accepts and rests his head on Phil’s chest. He’s not afraid of Phil’s germs. He’s been with Phil for too long and always felt a warm safety.

“I’m so proud of you.” Phil tells him, almost in audible as his eyelids droop back into his slumber, leaving Dan alone to listen to the steady thump of Phil's heart beat, but all he can think of is _did I turn off the stove top?_ _Did I turn off the stove top?_  But his head is too tired from all this thinking and Phil’s grip is too warm and eventually his brain gives in to the sweet lull of sleep.

-

It’s not until Phil is out an hour too long that sets Dan off to a full obsessive panic. Phil realises it when he’s standing at their front door, the door knob frantically twisting and turning but nothing happening. He opens the door to a tear stained Dan, knuckles white from grasping the door handle from the other side, hoping Phil would arrive home. He lunges onto Phil as soon as he sees him, the groceries Phil was once holding hitting the floor with a dull thud, but Phil could care less when the love of his life was on breakdown.

Phil’s seen him like this before, but not so obsessive compulsive. It had always been past days of existential crisis's from Dan, or days when Dan couldn’t get out of bed because he was too tired and too depressed to even lift an arm. Or days when Dan hadn’t eaten because they where too busy, and in the end could barely even stand. But Phil knew sometimes people with OCD would lose or gain new compulsions for their obsessive thoughts, but he had no idea it would hit Dan this hard (especially after all he had been through, he wondered when Dan would finally have a break).

“I— thought, you got hit by a car, or beat up by a criminal,” Dan babbles as he lets out a loud uncontrollable sob, “I didn’t— wish you a safe travel, or—”

They stay bundled up by the stairs for a good thirty minutes before Dan gets too exhausted to continue going. Phil’s shoulder is wet with tears and Dan’s face is a splotchy red and Phil’s face is wet too, from crying because he wishes he could take all the pain away. The groceries look kind of damp, but the ice cream would be okay to refreeze itself later. It’s Dan who needs the attention right now.

Later that night as an exhausted Dan lays in their bed, Phil stands at the doorway of their room answering Dan’s questions.

“Is the stove off?”

“Yes.”

“Oven?” Dan asks, Phil is sure they didn’t even use the oven that day, but he was always happy to double check it for Dan’s sake.

“Yes.” He replies, bundling himself in the bed next to Dan, not taking his eyes off him.

“Iron?”

Phil ponders for a moment. Did they even own an iron? They properly did, but he can’t recall using it in the past year at all. What did it look like, and where was it? He guessed if he didn’t know, then it was probably unplugged and turned off. Maybe Dan used it occasionally, his clothes always did look a bit nicer than his own. His little ponder made Dan look like a mad man at his delayed answer, and he had to hold Dan down on the bed to stop him from checking. “Yes,” he replied softly.

After turning off the lights, Phil can tell Dan’s brain is still ticking after the day’s events.

“I don’t know why you put up with me, Phil.” He hears quietly from next to him after awhile of silent staring at the ceiling. It’s almost as if Dan doesn’t want him to hear, it was such a quiet remark, but Phil has other ideas for his boyfriend’s put downs. He slides his glasses back on, rolls over on the bed, and grabs Dan’s face with his hands. Even in the dark he can see that his boyfriend is glassy eyed. He rubs just under Dan’s eyes softly with his thumbs.

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Phil states, staring at Dan’s dark eyes intently, looking for any reaction in Dan’s features.

Dan closes his eyes. “I was. Not anymore.”

Phil feels his stomach sink. He has seen Dan through all his highs and lows, heard every detrimental thing he has to say about himself, watched him recover through medications and therapy. Dan could be right; Dan’s been through a lot and inevitably been better in his life, but Phil would never give the man up. He didn’t even think it would be possible for him to bare to see him somewhere else where he wasn’t. He wouldn't give Dan up, not even to save his own life. He’d give everything for Dan.

Dan’s surprised by a gentle pressure on his lips; he opens his eyes to see Phil very close up, and then pulling away from the soft kiss. His blue eyes are striking in the dark, but very serious, which almost scares Dan a little.

“You are.” Phil murmurs and pulls Dan softly into the crook of his neck. Sometimes all he could do was hold Dan, and feel his soft curls against his chin.

-

It starts to get better. Dan has set routines every day he performs, sometimes in secret and sometimes in front of Phil. If these are performed right, the day will be okay, everyone will make their way home, nothing scary would happen, and everything will be alright in the end.

It starts to get better, but Phil’s sure it’s been at least a month since Dan last left the flat. Phil goes out and visits Martyn and Cornelia, visits an art fair and meets fans who spot him out in the world. It’s fun but when he comes home to a hunched over Dan with his eyes trained on a video game he questions if what Dan’s doing is in the end, healthy or not.

He's really not sure what to do.

It starts to get better - the gaming channel is on hiatus while Dan rests for awhile. Phil’s decides to pick up his channel again by posting weekly videos and spark some life back into his youtube with a new video background and cute little cactuses for the people who join the more exclusive part of his channel. It’s just so the fandom can get at least some content and maybe perhaps let Dan have a breather for a little while. He just wants him to rest as long as he needs, even though every now and then he finds him writing a script for a new video, or blurting out new merch ideas.

He’s happy. Dan seems to be happy.

Until a few weeks later.

Phil’s trodding around in the middle of the night in his emoji pyjamas and coffee in hand when he finds Dan sprawled out on the sofa in the lounge. He had thought Dan would’ve hit the hay a few hours ago. He himself had been up editing a video late into the night, but at 5am he can see the exhausted written all over Dan’s face.

“Dan?” He calls out softly to him as he enters the lounge further, putting the coffee down on the coffee table and sitting on the edge of the sofa, next to Dan’s legs. When Dan lifts his head and looks at him and can tell straight way what’s wrong with him. Existential crisis. He puts a hand on Dan’s knee gently and gives him a small smile, “want to talk about it?”

Dan rolls to his side so he’s facing the back of the sofa, hiding his face from Phil. Sometimes it’s hard to get a word out of Dan when he’s like this, so he joins him on the sofa, laying down next to him and he buries his face into Dan’s neck. Eventually Dan surfaces from his head and turns to face Phil.

“It’s… better staying in all the time?” He questions, brain struggling to form sentences after awhile of being stuck in his head, “there’s not much to worry about in here. It’s scary out there, Phil. Really scary.”

Although Dan’s eyes are trained on his face, Phil notices he’s not really seeing anything other than his own thought process going on in his head. He brushes a soft hand over one side of his face and Dan looks at him a little clearer.

“But I miss going out to Tesco and to the cinema, and meeting fans on the street. I could be doing so much inside, but my head won’t let me.”

“It’s good to have a little break every now and then, Dan.” Phil says softly to him, hand tangled in the short hair at the back of Dan’s head now.

“It’s been months now, Phil.” Dan continues, a flash of anger washing across his face, but melting back into a small frown. “I’m just wasting away here while everyone moves on with their life.”

Phil holds him for awhile as he trembles in his arms. He traces small circles on his back as Dan clutches onto his chest. After a long while Dan calms down and Phil’s not sure if he’s fallen asleep, but he can feel the urgency in Dan’s arms still clutching him, so he finally continues on with what he’s been meaning to say to Dan for awhile now.

“I think we should look back into therapy and medication again.” He states plainly and it takes awhile for Dan to let go of Phil and meet his eyes again. There’s an unsureness in his brown eyes, searching Phil’s face. Eventually he nods softly and rests his head on Phil’s chest again, and not before long both men are fast asleep, tangled up in each other.

-

Phil could tell Dan was hesitant about going back to therapy again after so long. But after a few visits with his new OCD therapist and a few back at his old depression therapist, things had started looking bright again. Though Dan did have his relapses. But he also had his wins thanks for the exposure and response prevention therapy introduced to him in his OCD therapy.

Finally, when they where on the tube, he would hold onto a pole and try to remember what he had learnt from his therapy to control his anxiety about all the germs and dirt from previous humans touching the pole. He would hug fans who encountered them on the streets and smile about it after they had left. But most of all he would hold Phil’s hand after a long day out, even if he hadn’t applied any hand sanitiser. In fact, Phil hadn’t seen any hand sanitiser around the flat in weeks, but he was sure Dan had at least one hiding away, just in case. But he was okay with that (surely a little bit of hand sanitiser was healthy every now and then).

A few weeks later, when Phil was browsing tumblr in hopes of making a new tumblr tag video - it had been years since he had made one with Dan - a new youtube notification lit up on his phone. He almost jumped out of his seat when he saw what it said.

**New video from Daniel Howell: “HELLO AGAIN INTERNET!”**

Dan hadn’t told him he’d been filming a new video. He hadn’t even heard anything in the flat, but considering he had been running around the past two weeks sorting out new merch things it wasn’t a surprise he’d missed so much. Phil grabbed his laptop and opened the video straight away. A fluffy looking Dan was sitting in front of a new setup; although it wasn’t too different from his past ones, his big Mac computer in the background displaying a looped video of a fireplace, a palm plant he recognised in the background, a Dan merch item here and there. He was wearing a new shirt he bought the other week on one of his first outings in awhile - it was a bright red tee with white text on the front that said “ **HAPPY** ”.

And he was. He looked happy.

“Hello again, Internet,” Dan started, giving the camera a little smile and all Phil could think was _I’m so proud of him_.

“It definitely has been awhile since I last uploaded a video to Daniel Howell… it’s time to wipe all that dust away! It sure has been a wild ride to get back to where I am right now, and well, let me tell you guys all about it…”

-

A few weeks later Dan and Phil where standing in their new three day pop up merch shop in London. Both men had bundles of new merch to release into the world and a new pop up was always a fun way to introduce it and excite the fans (and get a little more money). Unlike last time though, they both had their merch mixed together throughout the store as they had introduced some new collaborative pieces together (a good idea, they where selling like a storm).

It was an okay day for Dan. He was coping enough to not have a breakdown. But Phil could tell by the way sometimes his smile faltered after a fan would hug him or stop by to say hi that he was struggling a little. He strode over to where his boyfriend was hanging out around the new Dan and Phil plushies and buried him in a huge hug.

“Phil! There are fans about!” Dan expressed, surprised by the action his boyfriend had taken in such an open space.

Phil didn’t care. The fans where pretty much knowing about their relationship anyways, besides he had more important things to do than think about how the fans would take a hug between the two.

“I’m so freaking proud of you Dan.” He started, looking into Dan’s brown eyes, which lit up as he smiled a little at Phil, “you’ve achieved so much in the past month when it’s been so hard. I'm so insanely proud.” 

Dan's face lit up in an indescribably happy smile, his dimples indenting his cheeks the deepest Phil had seen them go all year.

"Thank you for helping me get there." Dan beamed at him, looking around and discreetly dragging the black haired male into a storage room in the back to give him a kiss.

And they where happy.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is also @downwardsdimple if you want to say hi! 💕


End file.
